If i were in the Witness Protection Program, my name would be Addison Renee Brooks.  I LOVE the 1st 2 names, and the reason for the last name is kinda....well....classified. ;)

hey. it's been a long time since i last wrote. to put everyone up to speed here, i'll have all of you know that i am no longer in love. also, in addition to that, i no longer BELIEVE in love. all that stuff about fairy tales, and dreams coming true, and soul mates now makes me sick.  i dont even tell my FRIENDS i love them anymore. i have also learned not to trust anyone, not even yourself.  i get lied to every day.  i lie every day.  its not a good thing, but its the only way around feeling things i dont want to feel again.  all we do is try to please people, and im tired of the bullshit so, this is me.  since my last entry, i have also brought my grades up a LOT. i have put all my pent up energy into running and making the soccer team. because of my unbelievable focus, i made my school's freshman team as the only goalie. whoopdie do.  we are undefeated so far, but that can change at any time, so im always ready for damage control.  now, just because i dont believe in love doesnt mean i dont like guys. hell no! i've had a couple semi-things with some guys, but those are long over, hence the lack of trust.  also, some pretty crazy shit has happened to me friends-wise and AGAIN adds to the trust issue. what all this has to do with caring, is simple. the old me cared about not having someone to love.  the old me cared if i couldnt trust my friends and saw that as a problem.  the old me cared what other people thought about her.  those days are over. i dont believe, i dont trust, and i dont care. its as simple as that.  and the strangest thing is, i cant remember a time when i was happier than this....

hey happy bday on wednesday!!!!!

 Yes, I miss someone very much...my ex boyfriend Bobby. I don't even have a reason to miss him, I mean, he lives a couple miles away from me. But I guess it's more of a spiritual, emotional thing. I miss what we HAD. I made a mistake. I broke up with him. I got stupid, paranoid, and insecure and I ruined something good that had the potential to be really great for me. I mean, I've done stuff with him. I've made out, you know, just the usual stuff. But I think about how much it meant to me, how it wasn't just to do stuff. How it was because I can completely be myself around him and I'm never self-conscious and I never have to worry about whether the tank top makes me look fat or if I'm having a bad acne day. I could say anything around him and he wouldn't care. The thing is, I ruined this relationship for myself. And I'm possibly getting a second chance here, so I'm going to take it. I'm getting a chance to see what great is. So ya, I miss Bobby.

♥

So,  spring break '08 was the time of my life. I went with two of my closest friends in the world, Morgan and Mackenzie, and had the best time ever. On Saturday, I met my soul mate. His name is Andrew. I only knew him for a day, and I can't stop thinking about him. We went for a walk on the golf course, but Morgan and Mackenzie went back home. We were just talking and getting to know each other, and that lasted for about an hour, before things collapsed. Morgan called me and said the parents were really mad and they called a search party. I flipped out and told Andrew, who laughed, then we started heading back. I know how my dad is, so I didn't think it could be a joke. Then I called my dad, who clarified that it WAS a prank, and there was no search party. I was pissed. I called Morgan back and started using every cuss word in the book. I told Andrew it was just a joke, and he laughed again. We were heading back on the street at this point. He pointed to the golf course and said, lets go that way, so we did. When we got back on the course, he said you know what? I don't feel like walking anymore. I said me either. I said so what do you want to do? Then his face got all serious. I said what? Now pause on the story for a second. In chick flicks, there is always that point, where the girl and the guy both realize they're about to kiss. So that moment came, and he said what? Then he came in closer. I asked what? again, this time with a coy smile. He did the same, and then...we kissed. That lasted actually for a really long time before I realized that Morgan was going to kill me, so I pushed him away and said we're done now, and he laughed. Then we walked back to the house discussing the whole way how pissed Morgan would be. I told her for the first time on Friday. We've been back for a week. She got mad, but now she's over it, and I have Andrew's screenname, which is good. SO ya. I've moved on, and I love Andrew. ♥ 

Nope. I have never been skinny dipping, and I don't plan on it anytime soon, unless it's with someone REALLY hot. lol.♥

I fall in and out of love too easily. It always bites me in the ass. I can't help it though. I meet someone, we hang out, and there it is. My feelings are stronger than I ever knew they could be for this person, who I never thought in a million years I would consider. There is never anything on the receiving end, though. How can I fix that? Why does this have to be so hard? And why do we want what we can't have? I am afraid of challenges. If I liked them, I could use that sentence that I "want what I can't have" because that's supposed to mean it's a challenge to get what I want. However, things aren't like that for me. I am an expert at love. People say I'm too young to know what love is. But is there really an age limit to love? I don't think so. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel what I do at this moment in time. I'm never prepared for it, though. I don't go up to a person to talk to them thinking I want to fall in love with them. No. But when I do fall in love, how come the guy refuses to consider what it would be like with me as a girlfriend? WHY is it so hard? It's not SUPPOSED to be like this. This sick, twisted, set of feelings emanating from me. It's not supposed to be this hard. I wish he would just take a chance. Think about what I'm like. I wish a lot of things, though. I wish I could see Jason, just one last time. I wish I could meet Logan and get a feeling of what he's really like. But then there's him. I wish so many things from him. But wishing, no matter how hard, isn't always enough. We have to let what happens happen, and not let it take too much of a blow to our hearts...♥

 One of my favorite memories is from Blue Lake when Jason kissed me. It was both humorus (sp?) and romantic at the same time. It was Friday at the dance, and it was time for the boys to exit the floor so the girls could dance with each other. He looked into my eyes and smiled, as did I. I heard one of his friends behind him go "Just kiss her already!" and he replied with "I'm working on it." That jumpstarted my heart and I almost fell over. He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead-not enough. I kissed his neck, and then...we kissed. My first kiss couldn't have been any better. But that wasn't it. He then took out a yellow carnation and handed it to me. I believe I still have it pressed in my actual journal somewhere. When I look back on memories like this one, it makes me remember that I fall in love too easily. And that only makes it harder to let go........

 There are a LOT of answers to this question, but since I can only pick one, I'd say the craziest thing I've done in '08 was when I saved a ball in soccer, when I knew I was going to get hurt. Turned out some fat, blind ((not really)) bitch didn't know that when the goalie HAS the ball, you don't try to SHOOT the ball. So in turn, she kicked me in the back of the head. Hurt like Hell. lol

 I've said many things to people that I didn't mean or that I regretted later in life. I can't really think of the meanest ((which is kind of sad on some level)), but I can think of a couple really nasty things that I've said to people. In first grade, after the teacher had JUST went over the rules of the classroom, at recess I went and called a girl I didn't even know short, which she was. I later became really good friends with the girl. Then this year, when I got really pissed at this one girl for being a nonstop flirt, I called her a ho to her face, and it started this HUGE fight between me and my friends. And of course, I've said many mean things to guys who've liked me for large amounts of time. Things like "it's never going to work, move on: and "you wanna know why I don't like you? You're annoying!" so that 's all I can think of at the moment.

♥

First of all, I'd like to thank God for seeing me through all the tough times I've been through to get to where I am today. I wouldn't be anywhere near here without him. Next, I'd like to thank my parents, Kevin and Cyndi Barnes for supporting me and taking me to all those plays and acting classes. You've been by my side the whole time. Also, I'd like to thank everyone who helped put this together, _______, ____________,  ____________________, _________________, and ___________. I'd like to thank my costar ((hopefully Channing Tatum)), and most of all, my boyfriend ___________. I love you all and wouldn't have gotten this far without you.

Thank you!

♥

W  Wow. I actually have to think about this one......umm......I guess a time when I was let down would be when I found out that Robert used me the last time we went out. I just never expected that from him, of all people. The one who's LUCKY to get a girlfriend at all, used her. And it just happened to be me. I don't think that's really a good example though. Whatever. That's the best I can do.

♥

Dear Journal,

Ok, so I'm kind of stuck in a love triangle, but not really. More like a love pentagon. My good friend Robert is madly in love with me, so he says, and he's asked me out several times ((almost all of which I've turned him down.)). I don't want to ruin our good friendship, but he's really REALLY hot and I'm really wondering what my true feelings are for him at the moment. There is an issue, however, with what he says to me. He happens to use a lot of lines, and I can't tell which ones are his or which are someone elses. Idk... The second guy is Austin. He's a freak with blue hair that just HAPPENS to have some things in common with me. He finally admitted to me today that he thinks I'm attractive ((duh)), but I think there's something more. I really don't want there to be though. He's a sweet guy and all, but it's just too much. He's really pervy, too. Then again, so is Robert, so there's not much of a difference. Of course, there's Jason. There's always going to be Jason. I'm not psycho, but I'm seeing him everywhere I go. In every guy...except for one....Adam. He's amazing. AND he's hot. You don't see that every day. He's athletic, he plays the drums ((YES!!!)), and he's REALLY sweet. He has a good sense of humor, too. I don't know what to do about that. I don't know who I'm supposed to like, if anyone. We'll just see how it plays out, I guess.

 I surprise myself every day. I'm surprised that I'm still alive after all that's happened, I'm surprised that I haven't had a mental breakdown, and I'm surprised that I haven't broken my parents rules yet. I haven't emailed Jason yet. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the reply I'll get, if I get one. I'm also surprised that I am the person I am. I never used to be this dark and twisty. I used to be bright and shiny. Now, that person's gone. I don't even know that person. Idk...

Dear Journal, 

So, I went shopping with my mom yesterday for spring break in Florida with Morgan and Mackenzie ((of course, because it's them and not a couple of my CLOSEST friends, I feel COMPLETELY insecure cuz I'm the biggest of the group)). I tried on a couple of shorts in the juniors section. I started with a 3 because that's what I normally wear at the largest. That gave me a muffin top. I then went to a 5. Muffin top. So I'm at a 7 by the time the damn shorts actually fit without making me look like the Michelin Man. I don't get it. I've been doing 500 sit-ups a night. I'm in soccer.  I'm a runner. I don't get it. I don't get how I can go to a size 3 to a fucking size 7! What the fuck is wrong with the world???? Why can't I fit into the GOOD jeans???? And no offense to people that think a size 7 is skinny, but it's not to me. I may be anorexic, or bulemic, or whatever you wanna call me, but some of you have to agree with me at some point. I haven't eaten an actual meal since. I'm afraid to eat now. I don't want to gain more weight before vacation. That would be terrible. I tried on bikinis yesterday, and I swear to God I almost threw up when I looked in the mirror. It was disgusting! So I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. Robert's mad at me because I said no when he asked me out, and also because we completely kicked ass in Gym and ended up beating his team 3 times. :] I swear, if guy's had periods, Robert's on his 24/7. It's gotten SO annoying. I'm kind of getting over Jason day by day. Mostly because of Adam. He's so funny and so sweet. He always knows how to cheer me up and I'm thankful for that. I really need it these days. He'd never like me though. He likes Camille. I don't think he wants to, though. That won't last long. He didn't like Angelica for long. I really hope starts to like me soon. I really want to go out with him. Maybe he can helo me get over Jason....

Dear Journal,

So, I'm a little pissed off at the moment. I just found out some of our best soccer players on the team are playing for a different club in a 3v3 tournament, and it kinda makes me feel betrayed. Not a fun feeling. My mom told me this, just so I'd know how to handle it. Screw that. I'm clueless. And now, the whore that used to be my friend told my best guy friend what I said about her leading him on when she has a fucking boyfriend ((who's ugly as shit by the way)). So he's mad at me now too. I've thought about cutting myself again. Idk y. I just think it would make me focus my emotional pain on physical pain instead, So ya. Story of my life. Haven't talked to Jason yet. REALLY want to. Adam isn't online, so that's out the window too. Sucks to be me.

 Someone who's not Hillary Clinton.

 I struggle to describe who I am. On one hand, I'm the intelligent, creative, good-looking writer who has all these deep thoughts and all these dreams of what her life is going to turn out like. On another hand, I'm the grungy, Gothic looking, emo chick who has a negative opinion on everything. I just can't choose between the two. And I can't be both.

 Everyone calls me Hallie. I'm like HELLOOOOOOO ASSSHOOLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! It's Hay-lee. Do u hav a PROBLEM w/ that???

Ok, I know I'm anti holiday and all ((except for New Year's Eve)), but this is just ridiculous. I can't STAND this holiday. I don't even know why it's a fucking holiday! It's just an excuse for partners to drown in each others saliva, get high off of the smell of roses, blind themselves with diamonds and other jewelry, gain 10 pounds from all the fucking chocolate, and have extra sex. People can do that any day. There doesn't need to be a holiday for it! Also, who told guys that it was a good idea to ask out girls on this hateful day? It's like they wake up saying, "Dude! I should ask her out today! She won't expect it! It's so unique! I bet no one's done THIS before!" STUPID! EVERYONE DOES THIS!!!! You're not the only genius who thought it was a good idea. In conclusion, this holiday is completely pointless and shouldn't even be called a holiday.

 I love this amazing guy, Jason. I met him at Blue Lake, Session 3, Summer 2007. He was a bass 2 in the SATB choir-I was a 1st soprano. He has blonde hair, he's tall, and he has eyes that capture me when I'm in his presence. I can't stand to be away from him. It sucks, because he lives in fucking GRANDVILLE, MI, and i'm where I am. I only knew him for two weeks, but i don't care. That was enough time for me to fall under his spell. My first kiss was with him, and I'll always remember that. Oh, and he's 18. Always forget that part.....

If I had one day left to live, I would'nt do what everyone else does. No skydiving, no parasailing, no cliff jumping, or anything extreme like that, no. If I had one day left to live, I would make it count. Not for experiences, but for people. I would go to all of my closest friends and family members, and tell them exactly what they mean to me. I would drive to Grandville, Lapeer, and take a plane to Germany to explain to all my past lovers what I really felt during the time we were an item. I would save my current lover for last. Then it would occur like an old love story, and we'd feel everything that was felt many years ago, and we'd just hold each other until my moment came. And that would be it.......  

If I had one day left to live, I would'nt do what everyone else does. No skydiving, no parasailing, no cliff jumping, or anything extreme like that, no. If I had one day left to live, I would make it count. Not for experiences, but for people.

Dear Journal,

Ok, so today I almost died. I got locked out of my house at 7:00 AM, because I found out we didn't have school and tried to get back into my house, but couldn't. So, it was 15 degrees below zero, and I was freezing my ASS off! I texted Morgan and told her I was locked out. Her mom came and picked me up, so I didn't end up dead, which was a bonus to the snow day. We went to Morgan's house and had cinammon rolls. They were AWESOME! I think they were homemade, but I'm not sure. They tasted like it. Then we went to Mackenzie Blust's house, and hugn out there. We play Mow, and I won once. It wuz a riot! Now I'm on the phone with Robert. We were talking about...things....that no one should know about at the moment. I'm so glad I found this website! It's just what I need.